Friday, May 29, 2009

No matter where you go, there you are.

I have people in my life who are moving, more than a few. A couple of them across country, one just moved across the state, one is thinking of moving back from out of state, one just wants to move across the damn street. I want to join the masses.

My apartment--this hermitage of a life I've created, even demanded, for myself--it's not working anymore. So I've been evaluating the things in my world; what I want to keep, what I am willing to give up, definite changes I need to effect, etc. The lists are fluid and, depending on the day, full of objects, actions, or self-hatred.

One day, about a month ago, I came home, and sat in the parking lot looking up at my home of almost nine years. It's a nice place on the outside. Sturdy, welcoming, well-maintained. On the inside it's less well-maintained and feels not so much welcoming anymore as overcrowded and cloying.

The fantasy of the perfect move popped into my head... you know the one. You come home from a day of shopping and a light lunch and find everything packed, and cleaned. Stuff you don't need has been thrown away, Goodwill worthy donations have all been picked up and you even got a tax receipt, furniture is being lovingly handled by a professional company who does the work for nothing but a smile of gratitude and a glass of cold iced-tea (a glass which they will wash and pack once said libations have been swallowed), and every box has been neatly labeled and packed in reverse order of usefulness so when I get to my destination (and they unpack for me) the stuff I need right away comes out the truck first. Hell, I'll even make them another pitcher of ice-tea.

Oh yeah, it was a good fantasy. But then, like a voice of doom, this thought occurred to me: no matter where you go, it's still going to be the same old you on the inside. Yikes.

ME is what I'm trying to get away from. My habits, my world, my life, all the stuff that's not working for me... it's still going to be there when I land. Will a move to Colorado really cure me of procrastination and inspire me to vacuum once a week? Not bloody likely. This rut I'm in is all of my own making and I'm still going to be me when I get there.

Cue: Depression.
Cue a yearning to turn the car back on, turn it around and drive anywhere else until I run out of gas and have left it all behind.
Cue: Deep sigh.

Then, a whisper from some heretofore willfully ignored part of my brain.
Could I maybe...? No. What about if...? No. How about...

Wait, wait... set up the inspirational music, I think she's about to get it. Do we have a shot of clouds parting? Right, in 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . I can change starting now!

Whaaaaaaaaaat? The old psyche shouts.

Yessir, ladies and gentlemen. It's true. Step right up and see the Amazing Changing Lady in action! You never know what kind of show you're going to get from her, sometimes she changes at a glacial pace, grinding and rewriting the very landscape underneath her. Sometimes she succumbs to the erosive and sudden floodwaters of desire and influence, creating unexpected structures out of newly uncovered depths. Pay your bits and takes your chances.

A change is coming to town and it's starting right here!

Currently reading: Wolf Tales IV
Currently reading: Morning Glory
Currently reading: High Energy

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