Friday, March 20, 2009

"Your eyes are as brilliant as the morning dew," he said,

yeah right.
What guy do you know who talks like that? C'mon - be honest.
Can't think of any? How about a guy who at least thinks like that.
What about a man who looks at you as his heart aches with wanting to hold you close, just wrapping you in the warmth of his arms until you know that you deserve love. And when he's done takes you to bed for four hours - the first three of those being totally devoted to you and your needs. After that it's off to save some puppies and help a few old ladies across the street.


Well, yeah, I read that book the other day. HE was Mary Sue. He had a wholesome life, the selfless job, was a more unselfish lover than a vibrator, wisely understood her friends and family with just some casual observation and literally saved lives at the end of the day. (Oh, and of course, his body was perfect enough to rival Michelangelo's David.)

He was beyond a chick with a dick, he was some kind of sick experimental fantasy gone wrong. Now, I can believe a guy thinking that a woman has gorgeous eyes, or great hair, or hell even "worthy of love" - but this author had literally turned on the purple prose inside his head. She tore the ass out of it. It was the sort of thing that you'd expect a naive '70s heroine to say, or a poetic Victorian who hasn't yet realized that she's the only one not thinking dirty thoughts.

You certainly wouldn't expect thoughts like that to be going through the head of a red-blooded, healthy, horny, modern American man. I'll give you, some men are more thoughtful than others, some men better lovers, there are even some men who actually do slow down and take the time to not just recognize, but acknowledge the wonderful woman they have in their lives ... but 24 / 7?
Grow a pair.

You've heard authors say it before, you've heard readers beg for it, and I'm here to reiterate. FLAWS! Write in some damn flaws, people. If this man had been oddly compassionate with her, but impatient with his family or saved people by day and started fights in a pool hall by night, even if he was frickin' colorblind it would have made the book more interesting. Instead he was the antithesis of every complaint a woman has ever had about a man, any man - oh, except he wasn't filthy rich. But SHE was, so no worries there, dear reader.

It's a pity, because the heroine was kind of interesting. She had a moderately effed-up family, an interesting personal backstory and even a decent (if contrived) reason not to trust Mr Perfect when he dropped into her arms with glistening abs and teeth. Unfortunately, seeing as ol whathisname already came fully assembled, there was nothing there for her to fix.

A year from now, when the magic of her hoo-ha wears off and he raises his wet face from between her exhausted thighs, he's gonna stop and say, "Hold on, what am I getting out of this?" Then what's going to happen? Because it sure as heck isn't Happily Ever After.

Currently reading: Her Sexiest Surprise [DNF]
Still reading: Wolf Tales III
Going back to: Dreams From My Father
Just about to Start: Tempted

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